How to Live

HOW TO LIVE, by Charles Harper Webb

"I don't know how to live." –Sharon Olds

Eat lots of steak and salmon and Thai curry and mu shu
pork and fresh green beans and baked potatoes
and fresh strawberries with vanilla ice cream.
Kick-box three days a week. Stay strong and lean.

Go fly-fishing every chance you get, with friends
who'll teach you secrets of the stream. Play guitar
in a rock band. Read Dostoyevsky, Whitman, Kafka,
Shakespeare, Twain. Collect Uncle Scrooge comics.
See Peckinpah's Straw Dogs, and everything Monty Python made.
Love freely. Treat ex-partners as kindly as you can.
Wish them as well as you're able.

Snorkel with moray eels and yellow tangs. Watch
spinner dolphins earn their name as your panga slam-
bams over glittering seas. Try not to lie; it sours
the soul. But being a patsy sours it too.

If you cause a car wreck, and aren't hurt, but someone is,
apologize silently. Learn from your mistake. Walk gratefully
away. Let your insurance handle it. Never drive drunk.
Don't be a drunk, or any kind of "aholic." It's bad
English, and bad news. Don't berate yourself.

If you lose a game or prize you've earned, remember the winners
history forgets. Remember them if you do win.
Enjoy success. Have kids if you want and can afford them,
but don't make them your reason-to-be. Spare them that
misery. Take them to the beach.

Mail order sea monkeys once in your life. Give someone the full-on
ass-kicking he (or she) has earned. Keep a box turtle
in good heath for twenty years. If you get sick, don't thrive
on suffering. There's nothing noble about pain. Die
if you need to, the best way you can. (You define best.)

Go to church if it helps you. Grow tomatoes to put store-
bought in perspective. Listen to Elvis and Bach. Unless
you're tone deaf, own Perlman's "Meditation from Thais."
Don't look for hidden meanings in a cardinal's song.
Don't think TV characters talk to you; that's crazy.

Don't be too sane. Work hard. Loaf easily. Have good
friends, and be good to them. Be immoderate
in moderation. Spend little time anesthetized. Dive
the Great Barrier Reef. Don't touch the coral. Watch
for sea snakes. Smile for the camera. Don't say "Cheese."

Still Reaping that Harvest

It has been an overwhelming few weeks, as evidenced by my lack of posts. I'm sure I'd probably feel better if I logged in a little more, but I've been failing to make myself a priority lately and that's something that has to change!

The goods news: ★★★★ a grand total of 21 pounds lost! I'm just a few pounds shy of my 10% weight loss goal, and I'm hoping to reach that goal by the end of the month. That puts me at 1/3 of the way to my goal of losing 30 pounds in 2011, which is pretty awesome...and I continue to feel healthier every day :o) I'm still achieving victories on Victoza and making healthier choices each day (Despite that Gigi's cupcake addiction I've developed!). Overall, I'm really proud of myself.

The bad news: I need to tackle my stress the way I've tackled my weight loss and health. A year ago, I started eating local, organic foods...within months it had become a passion and a way of life. Its good for me, David, everyone--especially the farmers, and knowing now what I didn't know then, there is just no way I will ever consciously buy grain fed meat, chemical laden vegetables filled with neurotoxins, or even chemical filled soaps and shampoos; its just isn't a part of my life anymore and I feel better for it.

So, why can't I do the same thing with stress? Specifically, work and school-related stress. Granted, working 40+ hours a week and going to school full time is a tough job, I knew that when I made the decision to lead my life down that path, so rest assured this is NOT a "poor poor pitiful me" post by any means. I just realized recently that I've completely forgotten how to relax (not that I was ever particularly good at it before) and that is something that just has to change, if for no other reason is that too much stress is bad for my health! If I know how bad it is to let things get to me, to carry burdens around without laying them down, I'll essentially be forced to recognize it and change, right? I think so.

So, I started reading up of course, and here is what I found: http://networkedblogs.com/ggJVu

I'm particularly fond of the "color with crayons" suggestion, so I went out and bought myself a Veggie Tales (of course!) coloring book and 64 of Crayola's finest--complete with in-the-back-sharpener, so far its helped...but the five-day weekend away from work has certainly helped too. You know what I learned? I'm a good colorer! And, Crayola has an "asparagus" color that is perfect for coloring Veggie Tales! I'm already worried, though, about going back and reading through 200 emails and seeing who complained the most about me while I was out...it was just 3 days out of the office, and I'm not saving lives here, so relax people! Don't get me wrong, I like my job and even the people I correspond with on a daily basis, for the most part...everyone needs a break every now and then and this week, I needed mine! So, I'll finish this post and go color some more!

This brings me back to the similarities I find in stress and the journey I've had with PCOS, weight loss, digging for gold and reaping my harvest--its all a great deal of work, but even more so perspective. I've got to create my boundaries and live within them in the sense of what I allow to affect me and what I choose to let go. So, here's to continuing to reap my harvest, without pesticides, even though the weeds are starting to take over!

--
My friend, you know how this all ends
And you know where you're going
You just don't know how you'll get there
So say a prayer
And hold on
'Cause there's good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot
It might take a little time, but you'll see the bigger picture.
[Josh Wilson, Before the Morning]
--

So this week, I'm making myself, my happiness and my love my #1 priority and I will try to keep my stress levels lower, I promise!

Victory on Victoza

Four weeks ago today I injected myself with my first dose of Victoza, nervously, and half-convinced that I would have to have David give me the shot each morning. At that time, I scheduled my follow-up visit skeptically, not really knowing what to expect.

Today, I weighed in a whopping 10 pounds lighter than I was a month ago! ((Happy Dance))and the best part about it is that I feel so much better! Taking care of yourself feels good, and there just isn't anything better than feeling good! And by "good" I, of course, mean "well" but its so much more than that. I feel confident, normal, healthy...I'm sleeping better, I actually MISS the days I don't get in some exercise and I'm continually looking for ways to improve myself, my life and my health. All my hard work is paying off, I'm actually reaping my harvest!!

I've been making better choices on bite, one step, one pound at a time but now even those choices have changed. Me, the potato lover, and pasta lover, and lover of all things starchy...I have essentially given them up! Not all at once, and not all the time, but I no longer think of breads/starches as "part of the meal" and its really making a difference. Now, to be very clear, I am not advocating (or participating in) a no-carb diet. We need carbs to survive, we need complex carbs: beans, greens, etc. and even bread and potatoes in moderation (potatoes have lots of good vitamins, ya know!). And fruits, also in moderation, because there are so many anti-oxidants, vitamins, nutrients--good stuff!

So, 10 pounds in 4 weeks brings me to almost 16 pounds gone! Wahooooooooooooooo! If I keep up this pace (which realistically, I probably won't due to plateaus, natural changes in one's body and the need to "adjust" your body's exercise and food regimen from time to time) in 27 weeks I will meet my goal. That's awesome! 2lbs x 27 weeks =54 pounds gone!! And its going to be a huge challenge, but what could be more rewarding than doing something that is SO good for me?!

Reaching for the Stars ★★★

After almost three weeks of using my Victoza I'm actually noticing some big changes! In terms of WeightWatchers, the Victoza, along with no bread, potatoes or pasta and 30-45 minutes of vigorous (and empowering) walking during my lunch break (Thanks Muthy!!) I am down a total of 15.6 pounds, which means I've lost a little over 5% of my body weight. Now, to be clear--the 15.6 pounds is a cumulative total since the beginning of my journey with WeightWatchers in August. In the last 3 weeks, I'm down 6.4 pounds with Victoza. Plus, I feel overwhelmingly better! I can't describe how it feels to just feel healthy, but it is so wonderful! After more than two years of just "feeling bad" I'm finally feeling fantastic and I really hope it shows!

I never felt sick or "unwell" I just always felt like something was wrong...I was constantly exhausted, uncomfortable and just "bleh"...now, I feel like I'm back to normal and that's helping me stick to my goals and reach for the stars! And, in WW terms, so far I've earned three five-pound stars ★★★!! I know it sounds silly, but those stars mean SO much to me! And, the brought me back down to Onederland!! A huge, amazing, wonderful accomplishment and I'm really, so proud of myself! I have a number that no longer starts with "2" and that's amazing! I will NEVER, ever, ever, see "2" again like that!

Yes, giving myself a shot each morning sucks (and, I'm actually more nervous about doing it now than I was originally) but, its only temporary. And doing this temporary thing is helping me make some very permanent lifestyle changes and helping me reach for more stars! I'm continually feeling more confident, more beautiful and in more in control and its taking my life to greater, happier places! Life is good. Really, really good.

Its Getting Better All the Time

I went for a follow up this week to discuss my lab results with my doctor and she was so encouraging! She was pleased to see that all my levels were "normal" but she still wants me to get them a little further from the "high side of normal" so if there is another fluctuation, I'm not in the "High" or "At-Risk" category--I totally agreed--so we decided on a prescription: Victoza.

http://www.victoza.com/

Victoza is a shot I give myself every morning. It is NOT nearly as bad as it sounds and does not hurt at all. The reason I'm using Victoza is to "slow stomach emptying" while keep my blood sugar level and helping me to lose weight (thus lowering my levels above). What I like about Victoza is #1: is does NOT hurt! #2: it has no amphetamines, so it doesn't make my heart race and #3: it makes me far less hungry because my blood sugar stays level.

In other news, this week I conquered a major goal I've had for a while: hanging out with friends! I know, that sounds really silly, but for the past few years its been difficult for me to see friends (and even family) because of the insecurities brought on my my sudden weight gain and inability to get the weight off. It wasn't that I feel like any of my friends or family were going to judge me, but more that no one comes up and says "Wow you've gained a TON of weight! What in the world happened??" because people--myself included--assume weight gain comes from poor life choices. I knew no one would ask, and figured that if they didn't see me, they couldn't be shocked. What a sad way to go through life!

So this week, I had lunch with my baby sister! She isn't really a baby...she'll be 21 in a few months, but still....I made a lunch date with her and kept it and I had a blast! I also went out on Thursday night for a pedicure and some sushi with one of my closest friends from high school (and waaaaay beyond that!) and I had a blast! It was really good for me to go out and have fun and just be myself!

So, I go back to the doctor on March 15 to see how I'm doing on the Victoza and in between now and then, I hope to continue to make great strides and keep feeling better with every day!

--
There can never be a more beautiful you. Don't buy the lies, disguises and hoops they make you jump through. You were made to fill a purpose that only you can do, so there can never be a more beautiful you!

The Results Are In

Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most... ~Hope Floats
--

Well, the result are in...and the doctor says...ALL my levels (testosterone, insulin, cholesterol, blood sugar) are NORMAL! Since my last labs, approximately May 2010 my levels have gone from "high" to "normal" and that is AWESOME!! That's the good news. The bad news is that I still need to lose right at 50 pounds (one pound at a time!) and that my "normal" levels are still a little on the higher side of the normal range. So, for now, the doctor says she does not believe I have PCOS, but rather "an unspecified androgen excess" which leads to the blood sugar issues I feel, the fatigue and the random other symptoms I feel. For now, my treatment includes diet, exercise and spironolactone--which I've taken before and doesn't make me feel worse!

So, this is gold! But, I'm aware that there is also some additional digging that needs to happen before I'm completely satisfied with my adventure.

I can now confidently say that all this hippie stuff I've done over the last year is actually making a difference! I knew I could feel a difference, but it helps to have a doctor actually tell me to keep doing it because it really does help! This is also a prefect time for me to plug my "no-poo" campaign, which has actually helped my hair loss tremendously and also stopped my frequent (almost daily) headaches.

So, I'm turning over a new chapter of NOT actually having PCOS, but essentially having PCOS, Jr. I'm not sure of everything that is coming my way, but I'm totally prepared to take it head on and so incredibly grateful for the blessings of having people in my life who support my crazy, hippie lifestyle! Its all for the better!

Digging for gold...

Some days, its hard to remember all the ways we are loved when so many people, media outlets, facebookers, strangers, etc. are constantly dogging on how bad things are. We, unfortunately, live in the land of the easily offended and that often results in such a focus on the bad and straying from the good. Why? Because good, happy, warm fuzzies don't sell as many magazines, get as many hits on YouTube or CNN and the don't get remembered....or do they?

I'm of the opinion that there is always good to be found in every situation. Everyone on this earth deserves happiness and love and to be free of judgment and everyone has something to offer--something to teach--something to show you...its just that sometimes you have to look a lot harder to find the value in the small things and frustrating situations.

Sometimes my life with (or without--its yet to be determined) PCOS is like digging for gold (thanks to the History Channel for the idea). You have lots of dirt and rocks and water eroding the dirt and rocks, but you know that somewhere in all the mud is gold. Something worth thousands per ounce (and think of an ounce as a piece of string cheese). But--you have to work for it. And just when you think things are going perfectly according to plan, your machine breaks setting you back a few days and a few thousand bucks. Still worth the trouble? The blood, sweat and tears? YES!

See, I'm constantly mining to find the gold in the situation of PCOS. Things change, there are kinks in my plan, but I keep looking. I have to. I can't give up yet, I don't have all the answers and I refuse to do anything halfway. And then, when you least expect it, in a pan full of silt, something glitters...almost invisible...but its there if you look hard enough. That's gold.

Right now, I'm digging. Panning actually, I've got my bucket full of dirt and I'm just waiting to see what I can find. I've finally found a doctor who listened to me, did some labs and by next Tuesday, I should have my next step planned out. The gold I've already found is a new perspective. A love for myself, that I have to admit requires a pep-talk every now and then. And a support system found in the unlikeliest of places.

Everything that glitters isn't gold, but all that is gold does not glitter.

--
"I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you yesterday and today
And tomorrow, I'll say it again and again
I love you more!"