Letting Go and Letting In

"Listen, it's too big a world to be in competition with everyone. The only person who I have to be better than is myself. And in your case, that's enough." -Col. Potter, M*A*S*H

I've been fighting myself a lot lately, but I guess that's a good thing considering I've learned so much. Most of all, I've learned it really is too big a world to be in a competition with everybody else especially when we aren't all running the same race. The story is the same in work, school, relationships, interests...and its also human nature to compare me to them; the problem is that you can't compare apples to oranges or Katys to Emilys, for example. And I don't have a single friend named Emily, so no one can get offended that I used them in my blog. Ha!

I walked into yoga tonight not feeling particularly stressed or that I "needed" a good session, I wanted one and wanting to do something is half the battle. It ended up being a rather fortuitous decision I made because it played up to some things I was thinking about today: I'm 22, David's 30, we've been dating 2 years and we're not married, or engaged. What's the rush? I don't feel it, he doesn't feel it, and we both agree and talk very candidly about the fact that yes, we want to marry one another and see that in our future, so why the pressure? Comparison. All my friends are getting married, while all his friends are getting divorces. Why rush?

So, in yoga tonight one of the readings was about a pond creature, frog we'll say, who was complaining about not being able to find water. He worried and worried over his apparent lack of water, and failed to consider that he was swimming while he worried--in nothing other than water! The moral of the story is basically that sometimes all we actually need is what we already have. There is the constant thought of seeking truth, seeking happiness, seeking fulfillment--things we would all realize we already possess if we just stopped trying to possess it.

That reminded me of another favorite quote: "Why must we have something to look forward to? Why can't we just look at now?" [and for the life of Google I can't find who said it...Rubin something...]

Anyway, the thing is I can't compare my life to anyone else because the reality is that no one else would "get it" and the only person who comes close is the person who shares my life with me: David. I've read all the articles about "How to Get your Guy to Propose" and some of those things are just crazy--and mean--and not even close to what I want. But, the same could be said for weight-loss and being healthy too--ultimately, you can read the books, take the quizzes, ask your friends and you know what? You do what's right for you and it almost always NEVER follows a pattern someone else set. You can take tips and hints and learn from experience, but all in all, you have to figure it out on your own based on your own heart, needs, and feelings.

I thought about all of this today and it brought me a lot of peace. Because even when I've had a bad day, I'm hormonal, my hair is falling out, I forget to take my shot and get sick, or we catch a stomach bug from an adorable baby nephew--I've got a rock and a partner in David and that's enough for me. It doesn't matter what everyone else is doing because I'm not interested in living their lives, I want to live mine!

I think the above is true in all aspects of life. If you keep looking for something you think is out of reach, you'll never find it. But when you realize everything you ever needed was right in front of you all along, you'll find inner peace and happiness and silliness!

Once upon a time David asked me what I wanted out of life in general, and my response was this:

In general...I just want to be happy. I think I deserve to be loved and taken care of, while also loving and taking care of someone else. I want to have a family...but I don't expect things to be perfect...I want to love and be loved by someone who can make me laugh, take me seriously, love me and help me relax when I take myself too seriously...someone who is supportive of me and my crazy dreams and anal retentive tendencies....and when I have that person, nothing else matters....I want to be in a relationship where I'm not inferior and I feel valued. Where my opinions are welcomed even if disagreed with...I want to have FUN! I've never just had fun...I want someone who can look at me and make me feel like I am the only thing in the world that matters...I used to think that I what I wanted was complicated and that's why I hadn't found it...I realized a few months ago that what I want isn't complicated at all...it's all in you and there's nothing complicated about that.

Some times we just need a reminder that everything we need, we already have...and when we count our blessings and let go of our worries, we can let love in!

Live the Life You've Imagined

This is a painting I bought from a local artist, cap man (two words, all lowercase, he likes to say). Live the life you've imagined.

I've been living with a lot of hate lately. I hate my job most days now, I hate that I've become a work-a-holic (bad English and bad news), and I hate the person I've become because I'm trying so hard to be a good worker. I can't believe it happened to me, but I should've seen it coming a mile away. My first week, a co-worker told me NOT to volunteer for anything. I really should have listened.

I hate that I don't sleep anymore because I can't relax. I hate that if I do sleep, I dream about all the things I didn't get done the day prior. I hate that on Sunday mornings, my first thought is "I don't have anything specific to do today, I should go into work." WHAT?! This is NOT the life I imagined.

What's worse is that I hate that I can actually list sooo many things I "hate" in one blog, but I need to let it out, so I will continue until I feel better. I love the people I work with, and in all honesty, I love the work I do...I just have too much on my plate and it just keeps getting piled on. My own fault, I know. My daddy says I've got a good job, and he's right! And I'm so grateful for my job, but I miss my life.

I miss feeling like I'm living the dream and loving life. My "awe and wonder" attitude has been replaced with chest pains and tight shoulders. My apartment is a wreck, my grades are suffering, and I can't remember the last time I did something just FUN or SILLY or RELAXING. I've forgotten how to live. This is not the life I've imagined....not by a long shot.

Yoga!

I took on a new adventure today: yoga! Its the first time I've ever done yoga and studio (is that what they call them?) is pretty close to home and quite community based, so I was really excited to give it a try.

I showed up 10 minutes early, slipped off my shoes and made my donation for my next four classes (yep, donations--they want people to be healthy even if they can't afford yoga!). I proceeded to "sit in stillness" until class started...enter train engine! Yep, its by a railroad hub, which I found hilarious and not distracting at all..ok I lied, I only found it hilarious.

Yoga started kind of awkward because you keep your eyes closed so you can't really look around and see how what you're doing compares to everyone else. [Enter Forgetting Sarah Marshall scene here]I had the "new kid" awkwardness down pretty well I think, but then we started breathing and that was something I fully understood and loved! Over the next hour, I gave a good effort and I think I did a good job. I walked out of there feel sooooo relaxed it was almost unnatural :) Success.

I can't wait to go back on Thursday and try again!

So here's a little tidbit from the meditation we did: all of the good, happy, fun, silly, adventurous, amazing and wonderful things about every one of us is mixed in with all the sad, angry, confused, frustrated, disappointed, imperfect things about every one of us. And to change any one of the "negative" aspects is to take away from some of the good as well. Definitely something to think about.

I'm not perfect, and I'm learning to love that about myself...and I'm learning to be happy with right now! Funny enough, right here, right now is a pretty fantastic place to be!

Reflections

Today I went for a walk. By myself. With my puppy. I know that doesn't sound like much, but I'm so scared/embarrassed/shy/silly about doing things by myself that this is a HUGE step in the right direction for me. We walked about a mile down a busy road where we live and passed strangers, other dogs and lots of cars--success! This is a big step for me, like the first time since my PCOS weight-gain that I went out and saw one of my closest friends (a couple months ago, by the way).

So, of course, after a nice power walk I needed a shower. Which I did, with my no-poo concoction, locally made soap and face wash--ahhhh relaxation without chemicals! After my shower, I was putting moisturizer (organic, of course) on my face and I actually looked myself in the eyes and saw the person I was 62 pounds ago. My reflection in the mirror was beautiful, and I recognized it for the first time in a long time and I can see and feel my progress!

This got me thinking about my New Year's Goals from a previous post, so I thought I should check in with myself and see how I'm doing:

One goal I have is to read and reflect on my "Notes From the Universe" which asserts that "thoughts become things. Choose goods ones." Its a simple email-a-day and makes a difference in the way I view my day...so its a good, positive way to stay focused. If you'd like to sign up, go here:http://www.tut.com/theclub/

Next, my goal for 2011 is to shed between 30-50 pounds. Now, many of my WW pals say "shed 50 in 2011" which MANY of them did in 2010--kudos to you!! For me and PCOS (my wieght loss journey tag-along)weight loss is a lot more difficult and unpredictable--so I will feel incredibly accomplished with 30 pounds lost in the next 12 months. Plus, this is a healthy pace...and will bring me closer to my ultimate goals for being healthy!

Finally, I'm working towards committing myself further to being an overall healthier person. The standard "drink more water and exercise more" still stands true, but I'm changing my entire lifestyle, or rather continuing to change and grow and adapt my lifestyle to meet my health needs. In 2011 my goals circulate around being consistent, disciplined and determined to keep my eye on the prize--I am the prize!! And so are my future babies, wedding, graduation, travels and dreams--I don't want all of these things are this very moment, but I will one day...and I will be so grateful for the time I've invested into myself to bring my emotional being, physical being and my health into one, beautiful, healthy place!

I'd say so far, I'm doing a pretty phenomenal (although not perfect) job and I have every right to be proud of myself!

You're the only person who knows what's right for you. The only one. And if you already know what this is, commit to it. If you don't, commit to nothing. [The Universe]

Happy Tails! Don't forget to stop and smell the roses, and take a look in the mirror!

How to Live

HOW TO LIVE, by Charles Harper Webb

"I don't know how to live." –Sharon Olds

Eat lots of steak and salmon and Thai curry and mu shu
pork and fresh green beans and baked potatoes
and fresh strawberries with vanilla ice cream.
Kick-box three days a week. Stay strong and lean.

Go fly-fishing every chance you get, with friends
who'll teach you secrets of the stream. Play guitar
in a rock band. Read Dostoyevsky, Whitman, Kafka,
Shakespeare, Twain. Collect Uncle Scrooge comics.
See Peckinpah's Straw Dogs, and everything Monty Python made.
Love freely. Treat ex-partners as kindly as you can.
Wish them as well as you're able.

Snorkel with moray eels and yellow tangs. Watch
spinner dolphins earn their name as your panga slam-
bams over glittering seas. Try not to lie; it sours
the soul. But being a patsy sours it too.

If you cause a car wreck, and aren't hurt, but someone is,
apologize silently. Learn from your mistake. Walk gratefully
away. Let your insurance handle it. Never drive drunk.
Don't be a drunk, or any kind of "aholic." It's bad
English, and bad news. Don't berate yourself.

If you lose a game or prize you've earned, remember the winners
history forgets. Remember them if you do win.
Enjoy success. Have kids if you want and can afford them,
but don't make them your reason-to-be. Spare them that
misery. Take them to the beach.

Mail order sea monkeys once in your life. Give someone the full-on
ass-kicking he (or she) has earned. Keep a box turtle
in good heath for twenty years. If you get sick, don't thrive
on suffering. There's nothing noble about pain. Die
if you need to, the best way you can. (You define best.)

Go to church if it helps you. Grow tomatoes to put store-
bought in perspective. Listen to Elvis and Bach. Unless
you're tone deaf, own Perlman's "Meditation from Thais."
Don't look for hidden meanings in a cardinal's song.
Don't think TV characters talk to you; that's crazy.

Don't be too sane. Work hard. Loaf easily. Have good
friends, and be good to them. Be immoderate
in moderation. Spend little time anesthetized. Dive
the Great Barrier Reef. Don't touch the coral. Watch
for sea snakes. Smile for the camera. Don't say "Cheese."

Still Reaping that Harvest

It has been an overwhelming few weeks, as evidenced by my lack of posts. I'm sure I'd probably feel better if I logged in a little more, but I've been failing to make myself a priority lately and that's something that has to change!

The goods news: ★★★★ a grand total of 21 pounds lost! I'm just a few pounds shy of my 10% weight loss goal, and I'm hoping to reach that goal by the end of the month. That puts me at 1/3 of the way to my goal of losing 30 pounds in 2011, which is pretty awesome...and I continue to feel healthier every day :o) I'm still achieving victories on Victoza and making healthier choices each day (Despite that Gigi's cupcake addiction I've developed!). Overall, I'm really proud of myself.

The bad news: I need to tackle my stress the way I've tackled my weight loss and health. A year ago, I started eating local, organic foods...within months it had become a passion and a way of life. Its good for me, David, everyone--especially the farmers, and knowing now what I didn't know then, there is just no way I will ever consciously buy grain fed meat, chemical laden vegetables filled with neurotoxins, or even chemical filled soaps and shampoos; its just isn't a part of my life anymore and I feel better for it.

So, why can't I do the same thing with stress? Specifically, work and school-related stress. Granted, working 40+ hours a week and going to school full time is a tough job, I knew that when I made the decision to lead my life down that path, so rest assured this is NOT a "poor poor pitiful me" post by any means. I just realized recently that I've completely forgotten how to relax (not that I was ever particularly good at it before) and that is something that just has to change, if for no other reason is that too much stress is bad for my health! If I know how bad it is to let things get to me, to carry burdens around without laying them down, I'll essentially be forced to recognize it and change, right? I think so.

So, I started reading up of course, and here is what I found: http://networkedblogs.com/ggJVu

I'm particularly fond of the "color with crayons" suggestion, so I went out and bought myself a Veggie Tales (of course!) coloring book and 64 of Crayola's finest--complete with in-the-back-sharpener, so far its helped...but the five-day weekend away from work has certainly helped too. You know what I learned? I'm a good colorer! And, Crayola has an "asparagus" color that is perfect for coloring Veggie Tales! I'm already worried, though, about going back and reading through 200 emails and seeing who complained the most about me while I was out...it was just 3 days out of the office, and I'm not saving lives here, so relax people! Don't get me wrong, I like my job and even the people I correspond with on a daily basis, for the most part...everyone needs a break every now and then and this week, I needed mine! So, I'll finish this post and go color some more!

This brings me back to the similarities I find in stress and the journey I've had with PCOS, weight loss, digging for gold and reaping my harvest--its all a great deal of work, but even more so perspective. I've got to create my boundaries and live within them in the sense of what I allow to affect me and what I choose to let go. So, here's to continuing to reap my harvest, without pesticides, even though the weeds are starting to take over!

--
My friend, you know how this all ends
And you know where you're going
You just don't know how you'll get there
So say a prayer
And hold on
'Cause there's good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot
It might take a little time, but you'll see the bigger picture.
[Josh Wilson, Before the Morning]
--

So this week, I'm making myself, my happiness and my love my #1 priority and I will try to keep my stress levels lower, I promise!

Victory on Victoza

Four weeks ago today I injected myself with my first dose of Victoza, nervously, and half-convinced that I would have to have David give me the shot each morning. At that time, I scheduled my follow-up visit skeptically, not really knowing what to expect.

Today, I weighed in a whopping 10 pounds lighter than I was a month ago! ((Happy Dance))and the best part about it is that I feel so much better! Taking care of yourself feels good, and there just isn't anything better than feeling good! And by "good" I, of course, mean "well" but its so much more than that. I feel confident, normal, healthy...I'm sleeping better, I actually MISS the days I don't get in some exercise and I'm continually looking for ways to improve myself, my life and my health. All my hard work is paying off, I'm actually reaping my harvest!!

I've been making better choices on bite, one step, one pound at a time but now even those choices have changed. Me, the potato lover, and pasta lover, and lover of all things starchy...I have essentially given them up! Not all at once, and not all the time, but I no longer think of breads/starches as "part of the meal" and its really making a difference. Now, to be very clear, I am not advocating (or participating in) a no-carb diet. We need carbs to survive, we need complex carbs: beans, greens, etc. and even bread and potatoes in moderation (potatoes have lots of good vitamins, ya know!). And fruits, also in moderation, because there are so many anti-oxidants, vitamins, nutrients--good stuff!

So, 10 pounds in 4 weeks brings me to almost 16 pounds gone! Wahooooooooooooooo! If I keep up this pace (which realistically, I probably won't due to plateaus, natural changes in one's body and the need to "adjust" your body's exercise and food regimen from time to time) in 27 weeks I will meet my goal. That's awesome! 2lbs x 27 weeks =54 pounds gone!! And its going to be a huge challenge, but what could be more rewarding than doing something that is SO good for me?!