Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Letting Go and Letting In

"Listen, it's too big a world to be in competition with everyone. The only person who I have to be better than is myself. And in your case, that's enough." -Col. Potter, M*A*S*H

I've been fighting myself a lot lately, but I guess that's a good thing considering I've learned so much. Most of all, I've learned it really is too big a world to be in a competition with everybody else especially when we aren't all running the same race. The story is the same in work, school, relationships, interests...and its also human nature to compare me to them; the problem is that you can't compare apples to oranges or Katys to Emilys, for example. And I don't have a single friend named Emily, so no one can get offended that I used them in my blog. Ha!

I walked into yoga tonight not feeling particularly stressed or that I "needed" a good session, I wanted one and wanting to do something is half the battle. It ended up being a rather fortuitous decision I made because it played up to some things I was thinking about today: I'm 22, David's 30, we've been dating 2 years and we're not married, or engaged. What's the rush? I don't feel it, he doesn't feel it, and we both agree and talk very candidly about the fact that yes, we want to marry one another and see that in our future, so why the pressure? Comparison. All my friends are getting married, while all his friends are getting divorces. Why rush?

So, in yoga tonight one of the readings was about a pond creature, frog we'll say, who was complaining about not being able to find water. He worried and worried over his apparent lack of water, and failed to consider that he was swimming while he worried--in nothing other than water! The moral of the story is basically that sometimes all we actually need is what we already have. There is the constant thought of seeking truth, seeking happiness, seeking fulfillment--things we would all realize we already possess if we just stopped trying to possess it.

That reminded me of another favorite quote: "Why must we have something to look forward to? Why can't we just look at now?" [and for the life of Google I can't find who said it...Rubin something...]

Anyway, the thing is I can't compare my life to anyone else because the reality is that no one else would "get it" and the only person who comes close is the person who shares my life with me: David. I've read all the articles about "How to Get your Guy to Propose" and some of those things are just crazy--and mean--and not even close to what I want. But, the same could be said for weight-loss and being healthy too--ultimately, you can read the books, take the quizzes, ask your friends and you know what? You do what's right for you and it almost always NEVER follows a pattern someone else set. You can take tips and hints and learn from experience, but all in all, you have to figure it out on your own based on your own heart, needs, and feelings.

I thought about all of this today and it brought me a lot of peace. Because even when I've had a bad day, I'm hormonal, my hair is falling out, I forget to take my shot and get sick, or we catch a stomach bug from an adorable baby nephew--I've got a rock and a partner in David and that's enough for me. It doesn't matter what everyone else is doing because I'm not interested in living their lives, I want to live mine!

I think the above is true in all aspects of life. If you keep looking for something you think is out of reach, you'll never find it. But when you realize everything you ever needed was right in front of you all along, you'll find inner peace and happiness and silliness!

Once upon a time David asked me what I wanted out of life in general, and my response was this:

In general...I just want to be happy. I think I deserve to be loved and taken care of, while also loving and taking care of someone else. I want to have a family...but I don't expect things to be perfect...I want to love and be loved by someone who can make me laugh, take me seriously, love me and help me relax when I take myself too seriously...someone who is supportive of me and my crazy dreams and anal retentive tendencies....and when I have that person, nothing else matters....I want to be in a relationship where I'm not inferior and I feel valued. Where my opinions are welcomed even if disagreed with...I want to have FUN! I've never just had fun...I want someone who can look at me and make me feel like I am the only thing in the world that matters...I used to think that I what I wanted was complicated and that's why I hadn't found it...I realized a few months ago that what I want isn't complicated at all...it's all in you and there's nothing complicated about that.

Some times we just need a reminder that everything we need, we already have...and when we count our blessings and let go of our worries, we can let love in!

Monday, May 16, 2011

Live the Life You've Imagined

This is a painting I bought from a local artist, cap man (two words, all lowercase, he likes to say). Live the life you've imagined.

I've been living with a lot of hate lately. I hate my job most days now, I hate that I've become a work-a-holic (bad English and bad news), and I hate the person I've become because I'm trying so hard to be a good worker. I can't believe it happened to me, but I should've seen it coming a mile away. My first week, a co-worker told me NOT to volunteer for anything. I really should have listened.

I hate that I don't sleep anymore because I can't relax. I hate that if I do sleep, I dream about all the things I didn't get done the day prior. I hate that on Sunday mornings, my first thought is "I don't have anything specific to do today, I should go into work." WHAT?! This is NOT the life I imagined.

What's worse is that I hate that I can actually list sooo many things I "hate" in one blog, but I need to let it out, so I will continue until I feel better. I love the people I work with, and in all honesty, I love the work I do...I just have too much on my plate and it just keeps getting piled on. My own fault, I know. My daddy says I've got a good job, and he's right! And I'm so grateful for my job, but I miss my life.

I miss feeling like I'm living the dream and loving life. My "awe and wonder" attitude has been replaced with chest pains and tight shoulders. My apartment is a wreck, my grades are suffering, and I can't remember the last time I did something just FUN or SILLY or RELAXING. I've forgotten how to live. This is not the life I've imagined....not by a long shot.